My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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