I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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