Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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