The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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