someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think people are normalizing furries
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
