i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
