onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
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I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
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Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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