I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
