I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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