He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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