I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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