I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
