Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
