I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
