My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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