I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
