We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions