I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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