I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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