i think my tv is drunk
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
