Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
