don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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