Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
