I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
