Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
