Where are you?
In a non slutty way
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Randomize
