Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
