Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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