you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
