this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
