it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
