hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
