Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
