Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Pants 0. Shit 1.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
