All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
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we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
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The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
where are my eyebrows?
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