respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
