So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
