Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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