I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
