I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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