girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
