i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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