He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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