Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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