I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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