So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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