oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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