This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
