dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
