I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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