She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
