dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Who died my cat blue again?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
