just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
