Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
