M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
