You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He shit in the fireplace
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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