I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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