Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
