Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
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If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
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Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize