I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
