I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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