he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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