im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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